The Thanksgiving break is just a few days away. The majority of students will start their trek home on November 18th! You are excited right? You’ve missed your student! A weekend visit here and there has been good but the thought of spending lots of time with your student makes you smile!
While you have been anticipating their visit, your student probably hasn’t given the holidays a lot of thought due to studying for finals (start on December 10th), worrying about grades, or contemplating changing majors. In short, they have a lot on their mind.
We as family members tend to view the holiday break in completely different ways than our students. I asked some students to fill in the blank of this statement, “When I go home for the holidays, I wish my family would…” Here are some of the answers:
“When I go home for the holidays, I wish my family would remember that I have been living on my own for the last five months and still need to have my space at home.”
“I wish my family would remember that while I am coming home to spend time with them, I haven’t seen my closest friends for a long period of time as well. I do want to spend time with my family but at the same time I want to be able to enjoy the rare time I get with others that are a part of my life.”
“When I go home for the holidays, I wish my family would avoid making a lot of plans to go places with me. When I come home from school I am tired of running from one thing to another. Most of the time I just want to sit down and relax.”
“I wish my family would take time from the hustle and bustle of the holiday season to just be with me and hang out with me, instead of worrying about what needs to be done. “
Did you see yourself in some of the students’ answers? I did! When my oldest daughter came home for Thanksgiving her first year in college, I had every minute of her time planned. Not my best idea. She wanted to sleep (which led me to ask “aren’t you getting enough sleep”?), she wanted to watch movies with her sister, work on last minute college projects, spend time with friends and hangout with the family. Let me tell you, we clashed! But once we had a conversation about the holidays and the expectations, everything was much better. It’s all about communication!
Here are some tips to help you avoid a holiday clash with your college student.
Prepare yourself for surprises. Ask yourself “What if?” What if he wants to stay out all night? What if she spends all her time at her friend’s house? What if his friends hang out here until 4 in the morning?
Acknowledge their growing independence and their accomplishments. Acknowledge these changes in your conversations by changing “demands” to “choices” when negotiating new boundaries.
Become a good listener. Your student may want to discuss changing majors, new living arrangements, or personal relationships. Try to really understand what you student is saying and ask open-ended questions. Say, for example, “Tell me more about that,” or “How did you feel when that happened?”
Address specific topics you need to discuss. Some of these may include:
Curfews
Family time and expectations
Social events
Updates on majors and academic life
Time management issues
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. Students may be drained and running on empty. Give them time to refuel. This may mean biting your tongue if they sleep until 2 p.m. or their rooms look like the aftermath of a cyclone.
With a little preparation, you can avoid conflict and enjoy the holidays with your student.