Summer,
It has been a year ago today since you took your life– June 24, 2018. A year ago today I sat in my room crying, confused and asking God why.
I remember exactly when we met. We were at our first pre-meeting for our Missouri State spring break service trip and you would NOT shut up. I honestly thought you were one of the leaders of the trip because of your confidence and knowledge. I was scared to go on the trip before meeting everyone, but that pre-meeting reassured me. It reassured me that I was going to have someone as crazy as me. People asked me if I knew anyone that was going on the trip and I always lied and said I knew you prior. I just felt like I had known you my whole life.
The last time we conversed was through text– 4 DAYS before you decided to leave. I did not want that to be our goodbye.
A week or so later I attended your funeral. As I walked around, I couldn’t make sense of it? It was like still decorated like for an old person’s funeral. I was like if Summer was here she would be SOO mad. Summer, I didn’t know how much you impacted this world until I noticed that families from France, Africa, and every other corner of the Earth there grieving with your family. I held myself together pretty well until the end. When I talked to your mom I expected her not to know who I am. I go to introduce myself and then she says, “I know exactly who you are and I want to let you know that the New Orleans trip and the friends she made there were not only the highlight of her senior year but the highlight of her life. And if you know of any friends that are depressed please help them”.
But that is just it– I never knew you were in this state of destress. I don’t think I have ever seen you frown. You radiated positivity.
I think the best thing about you was that you had the skill to became friends with every soul you met. Everyone you met you introduced yourself as “Hi, I am Summer Holmes, President 2032. Don’t forget to vote”. I even have a page in my notes where you signed your name and you told me that that note page would be worth the big bucks when you become famous. I would never sell that page.
I think my favorite memory of our service trip to New Orleans was when we bought flower crowns from an old lady’s flower cart in the French Quarter. We were just a couple of college students acting like we were at Disneyland. Oh wait, no. Remember when we helped Mike, our Marine veteran BFF, set up a Tinder account??? That was a good time. Mike & I still check up on each other from time to time.
This past year I was chosen to lead that same Bear Breaks trip we went on together. I initially wanted to go back to serve with the great community partnerships in New Orleans again. Then, when I heard your news, I almost quit. I thought, “How can I go back to New Orleans where we made all of our favorite memories knowing that she is gone? How am I going to go back and not break down crying?”
That week was one of the hardest weeks of my life that turned into one of the best weeks of my life.
Alex and I went on the trip a year prior with you but as participants. We spent 9 months preparing the 2019 trip. I connected with as many people as we met last year in New Orleans so Missouri State can keep a relationship with those passionate people. We made the itinerary and ran it through in our minds a hundred times to make sure everything went smooth. The only thing that we couldn’t control was the weather. The week before we left, there was rain in the forecast for each day. We were bummed. Each night I prayed and asked you to grant us some good weather for the week. I was not disappointed. Every day was a perfect sunny and 75 kinda day. The participants were so supportive and I saw characteristics of you in each one of them. Your spirit was there each day by my side giving me the strength to lead the trip.
After that week, I felt whole again. The piece of my heart that had broken away since the day I heard the news of your passing had been filled.
It feels like most days you are still here. I just imagine that you are busy with school or work and you’re only a call away. Then, as I look at my phone, all of your mom’s Facebook posts of old memories remind me that you are gone. We miss you.
Thank you Summer for being my friend while you were here. Even being in your presence for the short 6 months of knowing you, you made a huge impact on my life along with countless others. I am living for you.
Kate
If you are reading this and are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call 1-800-273-8255.