Communicate daily
Whipple says to have a good conversation at least once a day. “And that does not mean talk about work or talk about the kids! Talk about your hopes, dreams, desires.”
Respect each other’s privacy
Each couple must set and respect boundaries, Wood says, and those will be different for each couple. A good balance is when you maintain a sense of independence while still feeling trust and a strong connection to each other.
Have date nights
“Just because you’re married, just because you have 2.5 children, does not mean that you can’t have date nights,” Whipple said. “If you can’t go out, plan some time together when the kids go to bed.” Whipple suggests creating “activity jars.” Each person puts in something they’d like to do, such as cooking a fancy meal, playing a board game or going to a movie. On date night, draw an activity.
Fight fair
Have funWood says fighting can be good: It is a way to learn about your partner and how to compromise with him or her. She says first, understand your conflict style: are you someone who doesn’t mind passionately arguing, someone who avoids conflict or someone in-between? She says it’s important to be with a partner who accepts your fighting style. During a bad fight, try taking a break. “Say: ‘Can we stop for a second? I’m getting really upset,’ ” Wood says. “Just be aware of when things are getting out of control. Even try a funny signal, like sticking out your tongue.”
Be spontaneous: Break out of your routines! Evolving together is key, Whipple says. Try things neither of you has done before, from traveling to a new place to sampling new foods.
Be spontaneous: Break out of your routines! Evolving together is key.
Be nice!
Wood says psychology research shows couples who stay together tend to have a 5-to-1 or better ratio of positive to negative exchanges. Positive interactions include saying nice things, touching, smiling, thanking each other, doing chores for the other person, emailing good thoughts, giving gifts, telling jokes — anything that shows love. Negative interactions include criticizing, being defensive and refusing to talk. “For every one negative thing, you must have five positive things to counteract it,” Wood says. “Negativity happens in any relationship. But we need the positivity to keep our admiration of our partner up.”
Dr. Tanya Whipple
Psychologist, Missouri State
Dr. Kelly S. Wood
Associate professor, communication department
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