First semester is over?!  How can it have already have been four months since we dropped our student off at Missouri State University and drove home with tears in our eyes?  One semester of classes already down!  Your initially-nervous and hesitant student has shown resilience and boldness and has been developing a new set of friends and some new academic disciplines which are giving them confidence and a sense of comfort here on their new turf. 

Perhaps the offspring you saw over Thanksgiving break seemed like a different child than the one you “deposited” at the University back in August!  College life tends to make those sorts of changes in a student.

Though you perceived some changes in your kid during the Thanksgiving break, maybe you didn’t have too many conflicts, since your student likely slept most of the first few days back home; helped  with all your Thanksgiving preparation; did some Black Friday shopping; and then maybe assisted you in getting out the Christmas decorations before returning to school.  You did not have very much time for friction.

But Winter Break lasts a month, and you will have more time for potentially uncomfortable interactions.  The primary complaint I get from students regarding extended time back home is, “My parents still treat me like they did when I was in high school.  I’ve been living on my own and making my own way at MSU, but my parents still want to give me curfews and grill me about what I’m doing with my time.  They just aren’t realizing that I’m growing up!”

I still remember that one of my shocks when I visited back home after my first semester of college was that my younger brothers had fewer restrictions than I had previous to heading off for college, and when I complained about that, the parents said something along the lines of, “You were our first kid and we wanted to be really careful, but since you didn’t mess things up too badly, we figured we could lighten up on your brothers.”  My brothers still owe me for that!

You are still your student’s parents, and likely, you are still footing at least some of their expenses, and undoubtedly you still have standards you want your student to live up to, but are there some legitimate changes that can take place in your relationship that will benefit you all?  In my “Foundations for College Success” classes, when I polled the classes at the beginning of the semester regarding what they were especially interested in learning about, more students than in any previous semester mentioned “adulting” as one of their desired topics.

When we talked about that in class, I found that my students are puzzled and conflicted about “adulthood”.  Some believed that the very act of leaving home for college made them full-fledged adults, but most thought that they would really be adults when they were completely on their own, with “real” jobs, paying all their own bills.  A few chimed in about marriage being a factor, but not nearly as many as in times past.

When asked to put an age with the concept of “adulthood”, their opinions ranged from 18 to “early 30’s”.  That’s quite a range, and helping your student to come to an understanding of adulthood can be a noble goal for the extra time you’ll have to spend together over Christmas break.

The concept of “adolescence” as describing someone with adult capabilities but not having adult responsibilities has changed dramatically in the last several decades.  Whereas for Baby Boomers like me, adolescence tended to be seen as the interval between puberty and college graduation, it tended to be about 10 years.

But with access to all sorts of “adult abilities” available via digital devices at very young ages, and “grown-up jobs” sometimes not coming until one’s thirties, the range of adolescence for some has extended to more than 20 years!  Perhaps you and your student can talk about your (and their) perceptions of what constitutes an adult.

It is very important to converse early on during the break regarding your mutual expectations.  What “rules and responsibilities” do you think are still important for them to maintain while back at home?

On the other hand, what “freedoms and flexibilities” do our students believe to be important for them? Thoughtful discussion can probably bring you to some agreements regarding the new “ground rules” for their time at home upfront, preventing frustration later.

Opening up new roles for your student relating to the household or holiday traditions can be a means of demonstrating trust and affirming your acknowledgement of their growth and can be really beneficial, too.  Having your student take their car to the shop on their own for some needed maintenance instead of you doing it; or letting them choose part of the menu (and maybe even preparing their desired dish) for Christmas dinner can communicate a shift in role and status.  Everything  you can do to demonstrate respect is important, while also keeping your expectations clear.

 Converse as much as possible about their first semester at MSU, and as I urged in one of my first columns this past semester, don’t just talk about “kid stuff” (How’s the food in the cafeteria?  What was the most fun thing you got to do?  Did you enjoy any football games?) but sincerely ask some “adult questions” (What were some of the ideas your professors shared that most challenged your thinking about those issues?  Who was the most unique other student you met, and how did you get along with him/her?  How did this first semester make you feel about your self-image, and what have you done about that?) and listen carefully to their answers.

Don’t automatically seek to correct them when you think they give you the wrong answer, but continue the dialogue, encouraging deeper considerations.  Talk about next semester together and what changes could be made to make it even better than their first.  If your student has not gotten involved in a campus fellowship, encourage them once again to check out some of the student faith communities of others who share similar beliefs and values, which can seriously help one get through the cold, dark winter months with much more joy.

But it is Christmas time, so celebrate as joyfully as possible together. Go back to that restaurant with the special family memories; make some cookies together; participate in your church’s Christmas activities together; watch “A Christmas Story” together for the 50^th time, and don’t forget the hot chocolate! Reinforce your family ties and deepen them, even as your student’s impending “adulthood” bears down upon each of you differently.

With a little forethought, this Christmas break can put a festive, relaxing cap on a semester that began with nervous anticipation, celebrating your student’s abilities to adapt, learn, and grow, and can be a significant step to creating new patterns of how your “eventually-adulted” student continues to relate to you and the rest of the family as their lives progress.  As always, love much, listen deeply, err on the side of grace, and celebrate what is good and right.

May your first Christmas with our college-age student be one of peace, joy, and blessing for all.

David Embree was a founding member of MSU’s Campus Ministers Association and is  regarded a campus minister emeritus.  Embree also teaches as an adjunct faculty member in MSU’s Department of Languages, Cultures, and Religions.  He may be contacted via DEmbree@MissouriState.edu.