“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”  

This sentiment is often expressed by people who are grieving the loss of a spouse. 

“Identity is complex,” said Dr. Erin Wehrman, associate professor in the department of communication, media, journalism and film at Missouri State University. “We don’t have just one singular identity.”  

External factors, such as the people we interact with and the places we go, combine with internal factors, such as our personal experiences and our physiology, to construct a self-identity.  

Relationships play a big role in building and maintaining that identity.  

“The two really big areas of identity I have studied are how people see themselves and how they believe others see them,” she said. “When you’re grieving the loss of a spouse, you’re grieving the loss of self, too. You’re now suddenly no longer a spouse. Instead, you’re given this new identity of ‘widow,’ so you receive this new, involuntary label.” 

People may not only feel like they’ve received a new identity after losing a loved one; society may not have a name for this new identity. Wehrman explains for individuals who are not married but lose a partner there is no common label — much like when a parent loses a child.  

On top of grieving your loved one, you are now forced to reconstruct a new identity. But how do you navigate that effectively? What role can communication play in this reconstruction? 

As an expert in family and interpersonal communication, Wehrman studies how communication can help people adjust to life after losing a spouse, focusing on the role it plays in shaping relationships and identity 

Navigating identity reconstruction

In 2023, Wehrman published a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships examining identity reconstruction after the loss of a spouse.  

She interviewed a sample of 35 individuals who had lost a spouse to examine what helped or hindered their identity reconciliation process.  

From Wehrman’s perspective, one of the most meaningful takeaways is that despite loss, life continues. What follows is the difficult process of reconciling personal identity with relational identity — who a person is alone and who they were in relation to their spouse. 

Wehrman found that this reconciliation is often made harder by two types of stressors: individual and interactional. Individual stressors are personal challenges the grieving person faces beyond the loss itself, such as financial hardship, health problems or deep loneliness. 

“So, you’ve just lost a spouse, but maybe you also lose your house due to the loss of income or you might lose your job. That accumulation of stressors,” explains Wehrman. “That makes the identity reconciliation process a lot harder to navigate.” 

Individual stressors can also include isolation. In Wehrman’s research, one interviewee shared, “I’d wake up in the middle of the night expecting to hear him or see him getting up to go to the bathroom or something like that, and you realize it’s just you. And you’re alone. And that’s it.” 

Loneliness forces grieving people to face the changes that come with losing a spouse, which can hinder identity reconstruction.  

Stressors can also be unintentionally triggered by living friends and family. Our natural inclination when comforting or supporting a grieving person might be to avoid discussing the deceased, but Wehrman’s research suggests grieving people often want to talk about their loved one.  

“They want [their spouse] to be acknowledged because even if they’re no longer there, their identity is still tied to them,” she says.  

This conflict of expectations is considered an “interactional stressor.” These types of stressors can include a range of negative interactions with the grieving person, including judgment. 

One interviewee’s experience encapsulates the profound identity shifts and challenges in reconciling one’s sense of self in relation to others after spousal loss.  

“I’ll see people I haven’t seen in a long time at the grocery store, and they see me, and they turn around and go running in the opposite direction,” she says. 

This interactional stressor contributed to a sense of isolation as well. 

Social support

While these types of challenges can make grief harder, Wehrman’s research shows support from others can help. Friends, family and community members who provide encouragement and listen without judgment can make it easier for someone to rebuild their sense of self. 

“When people feel heard and supported, it helps them manage the pain of grief,” says Wehrman. “Talking about the person who passed away and sharing memories can be really comforting.” 

Many of the people Wehrman interviewed say having someone listen and acknowledge their loss made a huge difference. Some found new support groups or friends who understood what they were going through, while others leaned on family and old friends who helped them feel less alone. 

Coping with grief

Wehrman’s study also looked at ways people cope with grief and rebuild their identities. Many participants kept up rituals to remember their loved ones, like visiting their graves, celebrating special days or talking to them as if they were still there. 

Others found comfort by comparing their experiences. For example, one person says they focused on how their situation could have been worse, which helped them feel thankful for what they still had. 

Some grieving individuals avoided certain people or conversations that made them feel worse. They chose to spend time with those who supported them and avoided judgment. 

Wehrman’s research highlights the important role communication plays in grief.  

“Grief isn’t something you go through alone,” she says. “It’s something that’s shaped by your relationships and how people around you respond.” 

This insight can help counselors, health care workers and loved ones support someone who is grieving. Allowing open conversations and respecting how each person grieves can make the process less overwhelming. 

Wehrman also studies identity in other tough situations, like dealing with long-term illnesses or adjusting to life in military families. Throughout her research, she focuses on how relationships, especially those with romantic partners and family members, shape who we are and how communication can help us through hard times. 

Looking ahead

Wehrman is excited to expand her research. She’s planning new studies on how families handle challenges such as dementia or anxiety about illness. She also hopes to make her findings easier for more people to use by creating workshops or guides for caregivers and communities. 

“I want my research to help people in their everyday lives,” she says. “The more we understand about grief and identity, the better we can support each other through hard times.” 

Further reading

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• Story by Kayla Guilbault
• Photo by Kevin White