This week, I started my internship with the office of web and new media. So far, I love it.
Yet, if I am being honest, in the three days that I have spent here I have had my fair share of terrifying moments.
Because, the thing is, I am terrified to grow up. Really, I am. The thought of graduating college and getting a big girl job gives me an immediate anxiety attack.
I need structure
I depend on my planner to survive. Each day is a structured map of what I will be doing, where I will be and who I will be with.
Being a student, every day is pre determined. What I mean is, we all get a syllabus that tells us everything we have to do for a semester. Each assignment has a rubric that lists expectations like grammar, format and grading.
How nice is that? I will answer for you, very nice.
Why? Because, the chance of failure is slim.
And in the real world, you’re not given a syllabus.
Meaning, the chance of failure is greater.
I need structure.
An irrational fear
I am afraid of failure. I think being afraid to fail is natural and more common then we think.
No body likes the being unsure. I mean, why would you?
Which is the key reason why the future is so scary, it is unknown.
However, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change it. We cannot change the future. We do not have a magic ball that will tell us all there is to know about our future.
“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.”
Karl Augustus Menninger
We can actively fight this irrational fear. What is the point of allowing something you cannot control to have such a hold on you?
In times of fear, I think to myself “Will this matter in five years?” If the answer is no, then I push myself to move on and forget the fear that is holding me back.
As Menninger says, we educate ourselves out of this irrational fear.
So why does this internship scare me?
Because it is a sign that I am growing up. The kind of sign that is printed in big, bold red letters and plastered to my face.
There is no syllabus. My semester is not predetermined. And this is the first step to my future big girl job.
When my bosses tell me to do something, and I have to do it. Just today, they told to write a trial blog post. That was it. They didn’t give me a rubric. They didn’t give me a grading scale. I just had to write it- I hope I am doing well.
And that is all I can do. All I can do is my best.
Does the unknown scare me? Yes. Will I let it control me? No.